Monday, September 8, 2008

I'm 100 and I'll do what the F@&! I want*

Seeing as though traveling home confuses the hell out of me and makes it nearly impossible for me to write a coherent flowing post with paragraphs about my trip, I'll make a list of things that happened while at the celebration of my Grandfathers 100th birthday bash:

1). Received unsolicited sex advice, AGAIN, this time of the anal variety from my brother who is six years my junior. Ewwwwww. This is so wrong. In my mind, you are like six years old. Quit it or I'm telling on you. I know you are married with two kids and so that must mean that you are sexually active, but spare me the information overload re anything involving an anus, especially yours. I also found out that he knows something extremely embarrassing about me and I refused to let him tell me what it was, something he may have seen or found in my apartment. My curiosity is kind of killing me but I just can't deal with having that conversation and being able to control my vomit reflex at the same time. I screamed at him to stop when he started to say it (in front of a lot of other relatives...IDIOT), so I have no idea what it's all about. And I'm racking my brain trying to think of what it could be, because, fuck, I don't need a lot of props and have never taken sex pictures of myself, so that's out. I hope to god my younger brother didn't spy on me having sex. SICK.

2). Glared at my brother in law with the look of death for mentioning my blog on multiple occasions in front of family members that should not know about it. Knock it off, Carl, or next time, I'm taking you out to the parking lot, and getting you high until you turn into a mute. I don't even smoke weed, but it will be worth it to shut you the hell up.

3). Had someone convince my atheist husband, the biggest religion critic I know, to play guitar at a Catholic mass in honor of my Grandfather's 100th birthday, and TO TAKE COMMUNION IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE DAMN CONGREGATION. Now that's love. He then proceeded to play La Bamba in front of 400+ drunk Irish Michiganders who were previously singing "I wish I was back home in Derry". Boy's got baaaaaaaaalllls. Oh, then he spilled his drink on a $1700 guitar. Oops.

4). Realized that my liver can't swing it with the younger generation in my family. The Kamikazes, Washington Apples, Jolly Ranchers, and Oatmeal Cookies have been superfluous elements in my life as of at least 10 years ago. So why did I do that to myself and then try to eat that bean burrito from Taco Bell? Also realized that even with all of the above shots, I still cannot handle watching my youngest brother hitting on girls at a bar. Nor can I handle drunk husband trying to talk to youngest brother about kinky shit. NO. CAN'T HANDLE IT.

5). Raised my glass to "kid-lessness" with the very, very few people remaining in my family who have decided not to supply the planet with more inhabitants for now and bless it with their reproductive ability. Biological alarm clock ringing, yes, the stupid whore, but snooze has been enabled for now.

6). Remembered how extremely controlling and manipulative my family can be. Something is wrong when my uncle is passed out on the ground, covered in a table cloth, and I am sneaking off to the parking lot to smoke a cigarette so that my parents and none of my aunts and uncles see me. What am I, 15??

7). Sang "Don't stop believing" by Journey at the top of my lungs together with the coolest freaking people on earth (my 50 some crazy cousins).

8). Listened to my Grandpa give me stinging advice as if he had ESP into my life, even though I don't think he knew who he was talking to at the time. But I took it to heart even if it was meant for someone else. I also listened to him with tears in his almost completely blind eyes tell me stories of my deceased Grandmother. That alone was worth my trip home. This man is as hard-headed and controlling as they come in my family, which is saying a lot, but damn if he can't bring tears to my eyes within five minutes of sitting next to him.

Happy 100th, Grandpa.

- Bluestreak

*thanks, Kristy for my title.


Sarita said...

Oh. my. god. on so many counts! Can't wait to hear/see more...what a trip!

Pare said...

Makes you feel better, about two years ago I found MY DAD'S purple dildo. UNDER THE BATHROOM SINK. Um, that's a super-sized wtf?!

P.S. I love me some Journey.

Rassles said...

Every time I read your blog, I like it more and more.

Captain Steve said...

Happy Birthday to your Grampa!

Jen @ The Cubicle's Backporch said...

If my brother ever says the a-word to me (ANAL) then I'll probably react the same way. I'M TELLING! hee hee. He's like 12 years younger than me, so even in ten years it would be way weird.

I love Journey.

And you have some great self-control. I would've wanted to know what he found otherwise it would drive me crazy! Although it may be a potential awkward situation. Not good.

And kidlessness? Is fabulous.

Immoral Matriarch said...

#4 - Are those all drinks??

Mexico "Way" said...

Sounds like some good shit to me.

Happy Birthday old man.

Bluestreak said...

Sarita - we´ll catch up tonight. OMG so much damn fun.

Pare - Holy shit that is funny. Yeah, that would have been a bit worse for me to deal with, anything involving my father.

Rassles - thanks girl.

Captain - thanks

Jen - Yeah, it is just way weird. In our family, you only discussed sex if it involved two married people, and even then, it never involved anything unusual. Talking to my brother about this stuff just makes me squirm, even though deep down I´m releived he´s normal.

Immoral - Yes! I know, they were new to me too except for the Oatmeal Cookie was an old fave.

Mexico - thanks, it was damn fun.

ghost of keywork said...

Yeah, I'd be lucky if my little brother gave me a call once in a while. Sounds like a good time.

Pare: Sweet Mother of Christ. That's all I have to say about that.

Jul said...

Hysterical! Love the passed-out uncle pic.

karey m. said...

i laughed my head off thr whole way through...until i got to your sweet grandfather.

a humbling, right?

but the rest? beyond funny.

Kristy said...

Luis played La Bamba? That is so fucking hilarious. Why didnt he just play La cucaracha?! Boy´s got BALLS!

And your passed out uncle. he´s doing the thumbs up. nice.

Bluestreak said...

Key - Oh my brothers NEEEEEEEVER call me, only if they want to announce they are having another kid or something. Sometimes they might reply if I write on their wall on facebook. Otherwise, they just talk shit to me when I see them at family events. Little runts. Gotta love em though.

Jul - yeah, I added that pic in later, when I saw someone in my family had posted it on facebook. I didn´t want to post it, in case any family members were to see it and give me hell, but since someone else posted it already, I decided I was free to do so.

Karey - very very humbling.

Kristy - yeah, you would have laughed your ass off, it was damn funny. Sorry we missed ya last night.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Now THAT is a party.

Happy 100th, grandpa!

(and if Pare mentions dildos one more time this week I'ma lose. my. shit.)

Fned said...

Dude, sounds like it was a great party! The last time I saw someone passed out on the ground like that was in my senior high school year and it was my Literature teacher who'd crashed our party, hit on one of my friends, drank 60 cent homemade alcohol, got in a fist fight with the hosts' dad and passed out in the middle of the dance floor.

Man those were good times!!!!


Bluestreak said...

Maggie´- I haven´t seen Pare´s other dildo comments. That must be the theme for the week.

Fned - yeah, just a normal family reunion. What can I say, in my family you´re either AA or your passed out on the ground covered in a tablecloth.

Tobi said...

Jesus bs, I think we’re cousins, seriously.

rtl said...

Your best blog ever. I fell back in love with Blue....

Miss you

Bluestreak said...

tobi - we very well might be. I don´t even know all my cousins, so maybe you´re one of the one´s I´ve never met.

RT Love - It was the Journey that got you, wasn´t it? Miss you bunches.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

That's freaking hilarious-- every one of them.