Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tallying up the points of substance use

Lately I´ve been listening to some good music. "Will you welcome please, the Grateful Dead"

And, well, because my life is one giant fucking cliché, it has brought back memories wherein I ingest certain substances for recreational and/or educational purposes.

I´ll elaborate. Some of you may be shocked, others will think "that was nothing". But here is the confession about my past and present drug use:

Marijuana - The Omnipresent vice

Marijuana has surrounded me since, like, birth. I´m surprised I´m not a total pothead. The first time I smoked pot, I had a lovely pole vaulter blow the smoke into my mouth cause I didn´t know how to inhale. He was nice like that. The following 5 years can be summed up as me always having a bag of schwaggy weed. Always. My nickname during this time was Heads. As in, Heads in the Grass. I don´t really smoke pot anymore. I don´t think the nickname sat well with me.

So let´s summarize my experience, along with a point value system to see who the winner of this game is:



  • Smoking pot while chilling on a terrace on the island of Kauai +50
  • Smoking pot with a parent before going for breakfast with Grandma -150
  • Husband having mental collapse after a bong rip and subsequently begging to be taken to the hospital -50
  • Getting caught smoking pot behind a bowling alley by the cops and your friend passing out during the interrogation -250
  • Smoking pot on a giant rock in a valley of Sedona, Arizona while contemplating vortexes +75
  • Smoking pot and then remembering you´re an aerobics instructor due to give a class and your roommates are laughing at your oxymoronic existence -100

TOTAL POINTS: -125
VERDICT: YOU LOSE AND YOU SUCK.


Psychedelics

In college I dabbled in psychedelic drugs like acid, mushrooms, ecstasy, mescaline (yeah, I freaking ingested some synthetic peyote, ok, WTF???), and some other drugs that were acronyms that I can´t remember because the drugs effectively killed the brain cells required for remembering their names. Most of these experiences involved trips to Disneyland or a water park of sorts, or camping in the Arizona desert. I don´t regret any of these experiences. I would do psychedelic drugs again, if I were in a controlled environment. And by controlled environment I mean in a padded room with a straight jacket on and a team of medical professionals ready to euthanize me.

Let´s look at how I stack up with psychedelics.

  • Take ecstasy at a rave in the middle of the goddamn desert where some idiot puts Icy Hot on your temples that temporarily blinds you and upon regaining eyesight finding your 14 year old cousin standing in front of you, also on ecstasy, and the friend you came with laying on the ground with a credit card in his mouth to stop himself from grinding his teeth out. -500
  • Take mescalin with some lovely boy on a camping trip and take pictures of plant life, laughing hysterically all night long. +100
  • Realize you should have pitched the tent before you were tripping balls. -25
  • Take mushrooms and then turn up to the house you just moved into and have to deal with your new roommates for the first time, while your sister smokes a cigarette in the house, something that was specified as prohibited behavior as a roommate. -150
  • Take acid with a sibling and then realize that being around your sibling without drugs already makes you feel like you need to be institutionalized, rendering the consumption of said drugs rather superfluous. Feel as though you would rather cuddle a cactus than continue the trip. -75
  • Take acid and then watch the movie Rubin and Ed, the most awesomest Crispin Glover movie EVER. +80
  • Accidentally answer the phone while tripping, and it´s your dad. -90
TOTAL POINTS: -610
VERDICT: YOU LOSE. WHAT´S WRONG WITH YOU? SRSLY.


Rx drugs

In grad school I became friends with a group of psychiatrists, one of whom helped save me from scholarly damnation by getting me drugs invented to help keep me from procrastination and worry.

  • Take Strattera and write your Masters thesis in a week. +1000
  • Take Propanolol and calmly give a lecture to 200 people, defend your thesis, and lead any discussion. +600

TOTAL POINTS: -1600

VERDICT: YOU´RE A WINNER. MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A SPANISH PSYCHIATRIST IMMEDIATELY TO PUT YOU ON ADHD MEDS AND SAVE YOU FROM LOSING YOUR JOB.


So that´s my chronicle of substance use and abuse.

I didn´t mention alcohol, because I might need to do a tally that´s like 3 posts long, and I already know I would be in the red numbers.

Peace,

-Bluestreak

28 comments:

Captain Steve said...

Dude, this totally makes me think of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Loved that book. Love Johnny Depp even more.

Rassles said...

You'd think I'd have some good stories about being fucked up, but I never did that shit. I mean, I've got stories, but none of them are about my personal drug use.

It's all, "So this one time, everyone was like, 'Let's drop a shit ton of acid and watch Return to Oz,' so I got a chicken mask, wedged myself onto the couch between Kate and Digital Phil, and waited.

I thought they were going to kill me. Hilare.

I miss college.

Rassles said...

Oh, and nice stories.

(If you start up on acid again, call me, because I love fucking with people on drugs, and I haven't been to Spain in five years.)

Bluestreak said...

Captain Steve - I loved that book but didn´t care for the movie. Johnny Depp´s aiiight. Edward Scissorhands ruled.

Rassles - that´s cause you were smart. I´ll never know how many brain cells I killed from those experiences, but my guess is a shitload. I would never do acid again, not in a million freaking years. But yeah, I wouldn´t mind being around other people doing acid. That sounds kinda fun. P.S. I stole your point tallying system.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

This is the best post ever.

Oh how I love the good ol days of abusing drugs...

I'm still a pothead though. But there's nothing wrong with that.

Bluestreak said...

Thanks, Hooker. Somehow I knew you´d appreciate it.

Rassles said...

The point system is universal, as it can be applied to any situation and resolves any issues of worth.

I mean, that's how I know Sarah Palin is worthless.

Know what else is worthless? New Mexico.

Formerly Fun said...

Dph is right, this IS the best post ever and perfectly sums up the stuff I can't write because my whole family reads my blog.

My Way said...

That one made me giggle the whole way through!

carrie said...

HAHA yes, tres amusant.
(woo hoo, i took a year of french in high school)

A Free Man said...

Yep, with you the whole trip. It's been a long while since I've indulged in anything, but I have good and very bad memories of them all.

Oh, and "The River's Edge" is a far better druggy Crispin Glover film than "Rubin and Ed".

"I know, Feck. Women are evil, you had to kill her..."

mongoliangirl said...

OK. THAT was great...other than that sinking feeling I had that I would end up scoring something like Major Minus 42 Bazillion. And, even though I haven't been loaded in almost 2 decades, it also reminded me of my lifelong commitment to resent Timothy Leary for getting all jacked up and off the hook and preventing people from being able to get high grade LSD made by some cute little old scientist instead of some dumb ass with a home chemistry set and a crappy side job.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Wow, Rassles- you've completely shocked me.

Bluestreak- Once again, you complete me.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Oh, and all that FF said.

Yo Momma said...

I stay muy natural - (Mrs Mary Jay only.. ) I tried shrooms once with someone who SAID they had done it before but actually never had. He told me to eat more than I should have and let's just say, I was tripping OUT and not in a good way..!!

My alcohol tally would be off the chain!!

Bluestreak said...

Rassles - yeah, I´m gonna use this system more often. Who knew New Mexico was so worthless?

FF - yeah, that´s why I labeled this as "stuff I might regret posting". Oops.

My Way - thanks, I was laughing while writing it remembering all that stuff.

Carrie - I took Spanish in high school. I didn´t pay much attention. If only I had known I would end up living in Spain one day.

A Free Man - have you seen Rubin and Ed??? I know very few people who have seen that movie and fewer that share my love of Crispin Glover.

Mongoliangirl - yeah, I think I was a little too fair with myself with the whole points systems. I should be down a lot more for ridiculous behavior.

Floridagirl - thanks for the kind words, glad someone gets a kick out of my jackassery.

YoMamma - with shrooms I don´t think it´s easy to know how much your ingesting, or how potent they will be. Take it from the pro. Oh, and my alcohol tally? I´m WAAAAAAY to embarrassed to do one.

Chloe said...

all right, if there are drugs that help against procrastination i need them now.
i have never taken anything (apart from rivers of alcohol)so i am jealous now. Nice stories. Well written too.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

HI-LARIOUS. Although, I'm suddenly flashing back to pot brownies and I may need to lay in fetal position for a while and beg god to spare my life. Until the paranoia passes and munchies kick in anyway.

RTL said...

This blog finally fuckin' ruled Bluey!! Ha motha fuckin' Ha.

You took Mesk in lockettes meadow....fuckers didnt invite me.

You forgot the halloween party where we were dosing and peeling fake skin off my face after Philly and I got back from TOOL and non-stop laughter and lower back stretching until 4:30am.

+2000

RTL said...

And I just remembered....."Pretty" was where a breakdancing outfit and one time he pulled his pants down to "f" with us on drugs....it was stupid and it made it funnier.
What happened was Halloween was on a Thursday, and now it was Friday. On thursday, Pretty didny dress up, but the next day showed up as the breakdancer. He, and we on drugs, decided that the best come back for him would be to dress up like the breakdancer everyday. I am practically crying in laughter at my computer right now. Long time no think.

The best part, besides him trying to "freak us out" when he pulled his break dance pants down and said, "check it out!" was when he said if anyone asked him at work why he wore break dance clothes, he would just say,"Well, they said we were supposed look nice."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa

Drugs rule

+100000000000000000000000000

Bluestreak said...

Chloe - there are. Strattera rules.

mountain river - yeah, i don't miss the paranoia bouts at all.

RTL - I was ambivalent about how to classify the fucked up skin peeling episode, as positive or negative. YOu guys should have seen the look on your faces when you got back from Tool. You looked like you had just been to hell. You were like "We can't talk about that experience yet"

I have a completely different memory of Ryan and the Breakdancing outfit. I remember that on Thursday - the drug night, I was wearing the breakdancing outfit and Ryan was wearing normal clothes. He didn't have a costume so I was trying to get him to crossdress (I had a slight obsession with trying to get him to fluff up his hair and look girlie and he wasn't having it). But he decided to wear a dress under his regular clothes. So, in the middle of all the crazy drug fun, he pulls off his pants and he's wearing a dress underneath his regular clothes. It came out of left field and we were all pissing ourselves.

p.s. RTL you were there at the desert rave when we took ecstasy, and the guy on the ground with the credit card was that dipshit Matt (the other Matt), remember?

John said...

Hilarious, thank you. I am an early Dead fan - pre Amercan Beauty - have about 100 pre 1969 shows in loss less digital format - concerts the Dead use to allow to be shared for free - been there and done some.

"Don't bogart that joint my friend, pass it over to me...roooollll another one, just like the other one....you've been hanging on to it.....and I sure would like a hit"

RTL said...

You wouldnt mean "shady matt" would you? The one who wouldnt leave anorexic Lisa alone the first time, and last time, I ever tried Ex? The one who that morning decided to injest ectasy through his asshole at 5am and was puking balls at 8 am. I never knew puke came that white.

Pretty and I enjoyed the music and tried to figure out why E is so great. I dont like it. Its supper yuck. Like shady matt and pretty's hair.

Fned said...

Hahahaha! I'm surprised there's no mention of a flash trip to Amsterdam and an overindulgence of "special cake", "special coffee" and "special pot" somewhere on that list....

that's how close I ever came to drugs and after getting ridiculously high and lost in the city with the shittiest to understand language and somehow ending up smack in the middle of a S&M parade where everyone was over the age of 60...

Well, let's just say Me.No.Ever.Do.IT.Again.

Fned.

the cubicle's backporch said...

hee hee. Thanks for the laugh today. That's a pretty impressive list!

Gypsy said...

This was such a great post! Loved it.

Remind me to tell you of the time I did shrooms at a Phish concert in Phoenix. It was... bad. Really bad. But awesome to tell.

And now I want to spark some herb. But I always want to do that.

BoneFarm said...

I like your system here... se funciona muy bien. !Bravo!