Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Blues is Back

I should have known that swearing off blogging would suddenly bring me something to blog about.

This week my ass has been Rasslefied, big time. She still has rights to my blog, and could attack at any time still, declaring a coup over my header or posting Japanese dwarf porn, like she did over at Praying to Darwin.

But since thanksgiving is tomorrow, and I know some of you eat your weight in deviled eggs and green bean casserole, I felt the need to post and to give you advice as your diet guru so you can keep those pesky holiday pounds from adding up.

I am on a roll here, dropping serious poundage.

Unfortunately, my weight loss is not the Oh-Cool-I´m-So-Glad-My-Arms-Arent-Goliath-Satisfying-Salamis-Anymore weight loss, but rather the Holy-Fuck-What-Happened-To-My-Tits-And-Why-Are-My-Eyes-All-Sunken-Into-My-Head-N-Shit weight loss.

But for you more proportional types, you may benefit from knowing all about my new diet, guaranteed to drop pounds like "Galileo dropped the orange."

It´s really quite simple. You don´t have to keep an extensive diet journal, or measure proportions or even step on the scale, because frankly, you don´t give rat´s ass when you´re on this diet.

You just follow this simple recipe. The trick is, you have to eat this meal every day for every meal. But don´t worry, you won´t even want to eat anything else.

Bluestreak Delight

½ lb. Self-centered Materialism
¼ cup Unemployment
¼ cup Homesickness
2 cups Self-Loathing
2 ¼ tbsp. Disappointment extract
½ cup minced Guilt
1 Bad Auspice, peeled (alright, I admit I threw this in cause it sounds like allspice)
½ tsp. Existential Instability

To make:

Put the ½ lb of Self-Centered Materialism into a non-microwave safe dish, wrap in tin foil, and microwave on high until the whole mess explodes and turns into the Realization That You Have Become A Shallow MuthaFucka Who Doesn´t Contribute Dick To Society. If it didn´t electrocute you and you are still standing there, excoriate that shit out of the microwave with an ice scraper and slop it all into a blender. Add the ¼ cup Unemployment, the ¼ cup Homesickness, the 2 cups Self-Loathing, and the 2 ¼ tbsp Disappointment extract. Blend on high until thoroughly mixed. Add the ½ cup minced Guilt and the peeled Bad Auspice and blend for another 2 minutes or until it reaches a ripe, shit-brown color. Sprinkle with Existential Instability.

Drink the whole slimey Bluestreak Delight in one gulp, and choke on it too. Enjoy with Salty Tears of Self-Pity, and perhaps a Jack Daniels and Ginger Ale if you´re feeling antsy, and a pack of Marlboro Lights.

The duration of the diet is until you wake the fuck up and become a balanced human being again or until you completely emaciate.

Everyone will be all, "Dude, you´re so skinny".

It rocks.

Happy Thanksgiving Ya´ll. Food is for pussies.

-Bluestreak

18 comments:

Fned said...

Wait .... no olives???

WTF!!!!
Fned.

Rassles said...

It's probably a good idea that I'm not writing on here anymore. I don't think it went over so well...

Rassles said...

Oh, AND...I think I drank that on Saturday.

gnomespeak said...

Dude, I've had that before! But it made me fat. . . what's your secret?

Bluestreak said...

@Fned - yeah, olives rock. I should try adding them.

@Rassles - nonesense. Weird week. I guess normal people prepare for Thanksgiving and don´t hang out on the internets all damn day this week like me.

@gnomespeak - it is a bit unpredictable what the effects will be.

mongoliangirl said...

Smackdown!

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Goes great with Ketchup.

Rassles, don't feel bad, I know I can't get my head around guest posts, it confuses the shit out of me.

Immoral Matriarch said...

DEVILED EGGS! WOOOO!!

A Free Man said...

Sounds like a dish best served cold.

Bluestreak said...

@Mongoliangirl - "...Bitch!"

@Xbox - Ketchup goes good with anything.

@Immoral - my favorite part of Thanksgiving.

@A Free Man - maybe that´s why I gag on it. I should try chilling it first, or chilling out.

karey m. said...

this will be my offering at the requisite grace before turkey.

food is for pussies.

i'll let you know how that goes.

Noble Savage said...

Food is for pussies. Ha. That's kind of like the saying I enjoy using when referring to eating before going out on a pub crawl -- "Eatin's cheatin'" Screw food! Uh, or something like that.

Yo Momma said...

hahahaha! okay! the last good diet i had was shortly after my daughter was born. it was called the 'no sleep makes me into a zombie with no appetite' diet. sure my eye bags added on a pound or two, but the rest of my tired self was svelte!!

Yo Momma said...

i just realized i might have to print and laminate this recipe when i move to missouri...

ugh. even typing that out made my stomach turn.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

How come that diet makes me gain weight? I guess we all have our vices. Maybe I need hypnosis to have all those ingredients turn into skinny.

Oh, and food isn't for pussies-- it's for expats visiting home who can't stop stuffing their face. Hmmm, should I hit the Thanksgiving leftovers buffet again now, or wait an hour?

Gypsy said...

"Choke on it too" cracked me up. It's just so... hardcore.

prayingtodarwin said...

I feel bad; I know that recipe should make me feel sad for you, but damn, that's some funny shit right there.

(P.S. My verification word is "bleog". It's like a combination of beyotch and blog. Damn, blogger is coming up with some excellent verifications lately. Well done!)

Bluestreak said...

@karey - yeah, I´m sure it didn´t go over too well. Didn´t go over too well at mine either.

@Noble savage - "Eatin´s cheatin". Love that.

@Yo mamma - my eye bags too are making up for the weight loss. Dammit, I hope Missoura doesn´t make you lose your appetite.

@Floridagirl - yeah, I think I´ll get over my funk when I see all that food when I go home.

@Gypsy - it is pretty hard core. Especially when mixed with alcohol and cigarettes and other such vices.

@praying to darwin - I´m going to start referring to my blog from now on as a bleog. Cuz I am a beyotch.