Thursday, November 20, 2008

Effort to change my karma

When I was in 5th grade I had a hermit crab as a pet. God knows what possessed my prepubescent mind to think that it would be a good idea to have a crustacean as a not-so-furry companion. But I loved that little pincher. I took it to school with me in a shoe box. On the bus all of the popular girls came over and stuck their pretty nails out for the crab to snap at and giggled and I gloated at the attention. In my mind it made me popular in some disturbing sea-animal way.

But one night I left my hermit crab near the window overnight. And in Prescott, Arizona it gets COLD and that poor little crab crawled out of his hermitage and died. Died of fucking cold. What kind of monster does that to an unsuspecting crustacean?

Karma, dammit.

Right now, I sort of feel like that hermit. I’ve been towed around to various places beyond what I would consider my will (ok, that’s my attempt to not accept responsibility for my life choices) and I’ve snapped at things that scared me and that I didn’t like from within my stupid shell that in the end doesn’t protect me from the elements.

And for now I’m staying inside.

Which makes this some sort of shitty-assed public apology for my friendship ineptitude (you know, things like not returning your phone calls, your emails, or commenting on your blogs). But at the moment, I’m inside my little shell freezing my little lobsteresque ass off.

Even crabs need warmth and love, but right now I’m just trying to find it within my own hermitage. See?

Those of you that have been blogging for awhile now must understand these funks. The ones where the microcosm of the internet becomes eclipsed by the macrocosm of those that breathe the same air as you and share your meals with you, whose smile you can experience if you say something funny and who can feel real pain if you inflict it on them. Not like you faceless internets. Sorry, that’s kinda mean. I love you. I know you have real faces that smile and cry and all that shit.

I’m starting to wonder how much of my blogging corresponds to a real desire for creative expulsion and how much of it corresponds to just another one of my forms of escapism or another attempt at seeking attention like when I lugged that little hermit crab to school against his will. On the escapism note, when I peek into the tiny fragments of your worlds that you allow me to see I forget my cumbersome life. Then I verbally eject a small fragment of half-truth in hopes of...of what? If it were true creativity, I would likely keep my blog private just for me. But it’s something more about the gratification of attention that leads me to believe this is really about escape. Hmmm, dammit if this isn’t a repetitive theme in my life.

And it´s gotten me fuck all in a tangible sense, and now I find myself unemployed, among other things, and at nearly 32 trying to figure out what the fuck I want to be when I grow up from within a damn seashell. But I still try to escape into your fragments a bit, into the multiperspectivalism you supply me with.

This week I only escaped a little and when I did I came across a couple of gifts that helped me escape even more and I gloated like I did with my little crab.

Mountainlover and Mongoliangirl had both honored me with this award:

In an effort to help my karma, which right now is badly influenced by the hermit crab window incident, I hereby pass these awards on to:

Mackin Ink especially for this post

People in the Sun especially for this post

Almost Royal especially for this post

Regardez Moi especially for this post

Whiskey in My Sippy Cup for a post that I cannot for the life of me find but all her stuff is good so check her out.

Moutainlover especially for this post (Am I allowed to re-give a blog award? I don’t care, I don’t follow rules here).

Tobi et al for the many laughs you give me.

Some of these people might not even read my blog and will therefore never really get their awards, but I don’t care, because there is something in those posts that I go back to again and again and wanted to share them with you.

(NOTE TO RASSLES: I would have passed the award on to you, cause you know I love every little word your fingers type, but you already have two of these awards now, and I’m sure you already blew them up poster size and put them on your wall next to your NKOTB posters, so another one would just be redundant. And plus, I´m still waiting for my drawing, biatch.)

Ok, I think I’m done here, going back inside to clean my pinchers.



Pare said...

1) Thank you! This is the first blog award I've ever received and I can't tell you how it warms my asshole heart, truly.

2) "Those of you that have been blogging for awhile now must understand these funks." Of course we understand. Take whatever time you need - I ain't goin' nowhere, girl.

3) "Even crabs need warmth and love, but right now I’m just trying to find within my own hermitage." I'm going to cross-stich this on my blankie, I decided. So when I am lying on the bed with it wrapped around my head, my love will understand what's up. You are briliant. I mean that.

Anonymous said...

When I started my blog back in April I posted every other day. Now I'm down to once or twice a week--though I think the quality has improved. But right now I'm searching for a topic that someone besides me will think is interesting. It always reminds me of a line from an old Jimmy Buffett song..."new album's old and I'm fresh out tunes...?

But the words will come...just maybe not as soon as I hope.

Rassles said...

I have love for you.

You have madder skills than 95% of the blogs I've read. Do not doubt yourself.

And blogging is both. Creation and satisfaction. What is the point of urging something into existence and never sharing it, never receiving feedback and trying to perfect it by smashing and rebuilding, over and over?

And anyone who says they require no satisfaction from others either a goddamn liar for hiding, or a thief for snatching up my satisfaction when they didn't want it in the first place.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I understand the 'staying indoors' so much.
Mentally and physically. And often as an expat it's both, your very environment, the people you have to deal with daily, can wear you down so much.

It's easier to stay removed. It's self preservation.

Couple of nice picks there I hadn't seen before too.

A Free Man said...

We had those little critters too, man they stunk when they died.

You don't have to apologise for not posting or commenting or whatever. It's not a job, not an obligation. Write when you are inspired to write.

mongoliangirl said...

Yours being one of the perspectives I like so much.

People in the Sun said...

Hey, I'm honored to be among these other people. Your writing is honest and beautiful, and the posts you linked to share these qualities. Which makes me think maybe I'm not just wasting my time on my silly little blog. Thanks. Consider yourself forgiven for Crabby's death. It was his time.

karey m. said...

just woke up from, like, one hour of sleep. {esme! said in the same way batman would say curses!}

this was a good way to wake up.

thank you. xoxo.

Rachel said...

I forgot about the poor hermit crab. Reminds me of the hamster that I left outside on the patio, to get some fresh air and I forgot about him and he died from the heat.

Bluestreak said...

@Pare - glad to give warm fuzzies to other assholes like myself.

@HereinFranklin - I have the same issues with trying to find anything of interest to anyone except myself.

@Rassles - thanks again for the artwork. I guess art is worthless if it´s not shared. I just have a hard time thinking of this narcissistic space as art, but that´s because I´m narrow minded and I don´t know shit about art.

@xbox - yeah, for me it´s both mental and physical right now.

@Afreeman - I want to write and am inspired but worry about who I´ve allowed my audience to become sometimes.

@Mongoliangirl - likewise.

@People in the Sun - definitely not wasting your time.

@kareym - after only one hour, nothing would be good enough for me to wake up to!

@Rachel - We really fucked our pets by exposing them to the elements in our family.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

I have nothing positive to add, it sucks being in a shitty state of mind.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Dude, you're from Prescott? Shut up! Me too! Ok, so I'm not really from Prescott, but my dad lives there and the company I work for owns and manages 6 properties in P.V. and Chino Valley.

Yeah. I think we just bonded. Or something less gay.

Bluestreak said...

@Floridagirl - there just isn´t much to say sometimes.

@DPH - get the fuck out! My dad lives there too. Good ole Prescit. Yup, we totally bonded and it might be gay.

Tobi said...

Now I know why my karma is so screwed up! You know those darling little Salmonella, carrying turtles that come from the pet store in a bowl with a plastic palm tree? Apparently Capn’ Crunch is not part of their recommended diet. Thanks for the mention; you never fail to make my crabby- self smile.

(How was that for a lame fucking comment? You see? Bad turtle karma makes it impossible for me to express my true feelings for you and your blog).

Maggie, Dammit said...

You named some of my favorites here. And yes, blogging is very cyclical but everything you say is with your own crazyawesome brand and that's what I love so much about this space.

Well done, on all counts.

Gypsy said...

There is something oddly poetic -- or nightmarish -- about a sea creature dying of cold in the desert.

I definitely understand needing to take some time inside your shell. And I definitely agree with Rassles -- what's the point in creating if you can't share?

Regardez Moi said...

Woah, some how I just realized that you gave me this!! You are amazing, thank you!!!!! Thank you thank you.

I heart you too :)

And, do I ever understand the funk.. I'm in one right now. So I'm not blogging for now. So yes - I totally understand.

People in the Sun said...

I did it! I did it!