Saturday, December 20, 2008

Warning: Consuming Raw or Undercooked Thoughts May Results in Half-Assed Blogging


I've been silent because I'm...percolating. I'm out of a job and I don't quite know how I feel about that just yet.

I'm also "home" now. You know, the home that's not really my home (i.e., my parent's house that has never been my home). I fucking HATE the light switches in this joint, I have no idea where they are and the silverware drawer is in the darndest spot.

So, I'm in my country, sans Luigi. And it's a damn shame that you have to be separated from someone to really realize what they mean to you. Humans are ungrateful fucks like that.

Basically my time at home has consisted of me driving around my city, at times letting my memories spill over me. It can be pathetic.

It's amazing how urban organization can effect how you experience home and homesickness. I've seen the sunset for the first time in ages. The beautiful Arizona winter sunsets where the air is so thin you can see for miles and miles. I've gone from sprawl to density. Open, visible horizons to claustrophobic shaded cobblestone streets. Lonely, buffered, car interaction to get-off-of-me-and-quit-bumping-into-my-ass-human-interaction.

Oh, and car time = music time. And music time = I might cry at any given moment. I never drive in Spain. I walk everywhere, which means even if I have my ipod, I listen to whatever crap I have on it that I thought was cool at one time but has turned into a broken record. But in the car I get little treats (or little torments depending on my mood) here and there of songs I haven't heard in forEVAH. Today I sped down the freeway listening to Snoop Dog and, well, I rocked the eff out, cause I roll like that sometimes, yo.

So there's my little update. I'm silent because I don't know how I feel about job, Home I, Home II, life. I'm a crock pot of emotions and the stuff inside needs to reach at least medium rare so I can make sense of some of it.

Miss your blogs big time.



karey m. said...

exactly how i felt this summer. ugh.

except somehow you write it better...

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I hate the not knowing, not know what I want, where is best etc.

Take your time. It should come.

Anonymous said...

Hand to god, I fell asleep last night thinking, "I wonder where Bluestreak is?". And again, you manage to communicate beautifully the limbo that is ex-pat-ness, for someone who's never been off the continent.

kate said...

Thinking of you, and hoping you find some peace. It's hard.

Clarissa said...

oh, yeah, baby. The wild, wild west versus Old Europe. I'm doing it too at the very moment and without my man. It is odd, good and bad, and odd.

Only I don't have a car at my disposal ... so I'm still stuck with the crap on my ipod.

A Free Man said...

Isn't it weird to be 'home' after a long spell abroad. I always feel distinctly out of place and it just hammers home the point that home isn't home anymore.

Yo Momma said...

"And it's a damn shame that you have to be separated from someone to really realize what they mean to you. Humans are ungrateful fucks like that."

Ain't it the truth. I hope you enjoy the rest of your time 'home' though. And while you're at it, drop it like it's hot. Snoop dog style.

My Way said...

I hope you can figure the shiznit out and if not, you'll just be rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice.

Laid back.... with my mind on my money and my money on my mind......

Fned said...

Know the feeling... (especially the part of the iPod in shuffle mode with the same 265 songs playing over and over until they are ALL boring).

Here's hoping you figure out even a little of the crap that's eating ya. Give it time, and in the meantime... enjoy those sunsets!!!!


Florida Girl In Sydney said...

I'm "home" too right now. But for me, this home is really home. Sydney is not-- and probably never will be because I know it's only temporary.

I love your words.

Rassles said...

I love it when you're writing. It's sustenance.

Take some time to cook, and then cool off, and then warm up again. You feel everything, don't you? It's wonderful, and hard I'm sure.

But I'm glad you're taking the time at home and away from Spain, because when you go back, you'll probably appreciate it so much more. Spain, that is, and home too. Right? I think so.

Damn, I hope this comment made sense.

Anonymous said...

I've never been an expat. Truth be known, I live in the same town my ancestors have lived in for close to 200 years--an eternity here. A nanosecond in Spain. I've wondered how I'd function in another land. I'd like to think that I'd do it gracefully. But in reality I'd probably have daily come-aparts and weekly fits.

among found objects said...

Cant wait to see you, spanky. Welcome, "Home"

People in the Sun said...

Back in college I took a Literature of Exile class. Pale Fire, The Satanic Verses, you know. Your blog should be required reading for that class. Or for all those who walk forward while looking back, finding themselves stuck in the middle, unable to move in either direction.

Maggie, Dammit said...

I'm just sitting here thinking about you.

Bluestreak said...

@karey - i guess we all go through these same feelings no matter where we live.

@xbox - i'm an obsessive planner and can't stand the unknown. which makes life difficult at times.

@prayingtodarwin - i'm here, but i'm not really. writing feels like a chore right now.

@kate - thank you :)

@Clarissa - that's one of the things that sucks about going home, not having a car. I have to beg and bribe people to get them to lend me theirs for a day.

@A Free Man - it's never what you expect or what you remember.

@Yo Mamma - maybe I just need to listen to more snoop dog here in Europe and I finally start to feel at home.

@My Guey - glad I'm not the only snoop freak out there.

@Fned - thanks! I did enjoy the sunsets. And man will I miss them.

@Floridagirl - Sydney is only temporary for you guys?!?!

@Rassles - I love you.

@Hereinfranklin - I handle it gracefully in public. then i go home and i throw things.

@Perplexus - miss u.

@People in the Sun - funny. Pale Fire is one of my favorite books of all time. The class you took sounds like it should have been required for anyone thinking of living abroad.

@Maggie - love the new profile pic. thanks for thinking of me. I have so much blog reading to catch up on. I feel like i've been so out of touch.

BC said...

Hang in there.

Gypsy said...

Percolating is all well and good, but when you start to drip, well... then there's a problem.

Hope you're feeling more... I don't know. Settled? Serene? Soon.