I feel a strain.
Heavy paperweight on heart.
There's some kind of muzzle but I don't know why. Or I do but I don't know how to say what the muzzle is made of. Because the muzzle is a little muzzling when trying to describe the muzzle. See?
Oh, it's not just about muzzles.
When I was in grad school and was attempting to read more than was humanly possible in a single day, I would go to sleep at night and have strange dreams of misplaced and sometimes invented words floating around in my brain, nonsensical sentences, ornamental paragraphs of pure jabberwocky monologue.
"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."
- "Jabberwocky" by Lewis Carroll
This is what my voice feels like right now; recursive nonsense, my mind a think tank of anti-thoughts.
Life feels a little like that too, and looks a little too much like Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights and I feel kinda like I'm the one bent over with the flower growing out of my ass, when I'd really like to be standing up, clothed, with the flower in my hand, maybe giving it to you, which I'm much more comfortable with.
On top of a jibberish voice, I have some sort of rhetorical laryngitis. I try to speak but it's just an inaudible, bleached out and faded whisper.
So today I'm just here to whisper.
I'm here to whisper a goodbye to Karey. I don't want to say she's a blogger, because she's so much more than a blogger. She is someone I love as a writer, but mostly as a person. And I'm just happy I get to share the earth with her and somewhere far away she's giving people huge smiles ear to ear.
It's strange how blogging friends come and go. I guess like how real friends come in and out of your life, probably because they are real friends.
The departure is just a little more abrupt I suppose.
So, Karey, if you're still out there, this is as good a whispered goodbye as it gets on the internets:
P.S. Pare, if you're out there, I miss you somethin awful too.
Old Wire Dog Muzzles by Feltbug from flickr.
Bye. by Nathan from flickr.