Thursday, April 9, 2009

A Blue Goodbye

Today I sat down to write a post, time on my hands for the first time in weeks and I said to myself, "It doesn't matter what you write, it doesn't matter if it's any good. Just write whatever comes and hit publish and then cringe a little. BIG DEAL."

Eyes to keyboard.


In the end, you just have to post what comes to you, what you feel inside, right? For me, this is it.

Working full time sucks. I have no time for anything anymore. It's a good thing that the 8 hours are not excrutiating like they were before, which makes life feel like less of a prison sentence but I still don't like the ratio of work/do laundry/cook/run errands to fuck around/rest/write/do-whatever-I-want. But that's life. We all live it. It may be part of the reason why I don't post much lately, but it's not all of it.

I didn't start this blog to have an online journal. I didn't start this to keep in touch with old friends or with family.

Well,maybe I did when I started and that's why I had linked to my blog on my myspace page and my facebook page for the (real) world to see. Those people that came here through those links or because I accidently told them about it may still read now.

The truth is, I don't really know.

They don't normally comment and frankly, it gives me the creeps thinking they might be there but not knowing for sure. I'm sorry, but it does. It's like inviting someone over to your house for a party but when they show up they just look in through the back window and sometimes you can feel their eyes essaying your cheeseball and your ham and pickle roll-ups but you don't see them.

I'm starting to think that maybe I only want people to drool on my cheeseball if they brought some mean spinach artichoke dip to share. And I'm not talking about comments; I don't give a fuck if they comment or not. I'm talking about sharing. I'm talking about writing.

It's not like I have big secrets that I want to tell and I'm trying to go all AWOL and undercover, it's just that I want to go somewhere else with my "writing" or creativity or whatever it is I'm doing here and I don't feel like this is the right outlet anymore.

Maybe I told people I knew because I wanted validation and readers and had to start with people I knew. What it has turned into has been a communication tool, to learn about people; some very far off and away, some relatively closer (like fellow expats), some with quiet family lives, some with crazy party lives, some of them living the country life, or small town life, some living in places and living lives that I know are not in the cards for me but that I want to experience, albeit vicariously. Maybe these are people that in real life I would never cross paths with or even if I did, (say maybe if they were my bikini waxer ) I would never know they could write their asses off. I might judge them and think we had nothing in common, but somehow across pixels and networks and webs, we happened to meet, thankfully.

Some of you are capable of writing about the day to day in ways that make me laugh my ass off or think for days about a few little phrases you cooked up, and you're honest and open and, hey, even your grandmas have your urls or you have your same story printed in the Irish Times for all eyes to see. I love you for that.

But that ain't me.

What I really want to communicate I'm not for some reason, and I'm trying to figure out why.

To those people that I had the good fortune of crossing paths with on the internet, discovering their talent that they so generously share, to those people that through their writing have given me so much more than boring updates on their lives a la facebook, I don't want to cringe when I hit 'publish post' to share myself with them anymore.

And, come to think of it, I don't want to share myself anymore with those that don't reciprocate by showing themselves to me through their own writing. That may sound horribly ungrateful to those non-bloggers and maybe friends that have been reading my posts, some of whom have told me in person that they enjoy reading. I'm sorry if this comes across as unappreciative of that, pero eso es lo que hay.

I guess I'm feeling less generous with my innards these days, except to those that have shown me theirs.

So here lies Bluestreak. For now, anyway.

At least for awhile, I'm going to that place that made me feel I had something to write about to begin; these streets and that Spanish sunshine and Luigi and, well, life.




Chris said...

For what it's worth, I've enjoyed everything you've had the courage to publish. Even humdrum stuff or drifting trying to figure it out has opened up a sliver of the person you must be. Because you didn't publish everyday, I always got excited when I'd see in my reader you posted. It was akin to a call from an old friend, even just an update keeps things connected.

Still, I get wanting to go to the source, get away from the blog when it feels like a chore or another thing expected of you.... When you come back(because I suspect you will eventually), you'll have the same people who look forward to hearing from you now. And if you decide to find a little place somewhere else for you to write, when and if you want, I'd love to be invited over.

Rassles said...

Oh, Blues, you know you're one of my favorites on here.

I don't really know what else to say other than do what you need to do, take your time. I think I can speak for everyone that reads this and just say I am flat out obsessed with your internals. Not like I want to eat them or anything, but you know. You are made of gold. So yeah. Take your time.

Martin said...

I think I know what you mean.

There are days I wish no-one from 'real' life read me, and I sometimes I wonder if I've let them influence me or put me off or force me to react in unwanted ways.

Sometimes I long for the complete anonymity of day 1.

I don't know you, and if it means I get to keep reading you where ever you write, I hope I never do!

Anonymous said...

I had to read this a couple of times before I really believed it. I'm sad. But I get it. Go live the hell out of Spain, and when you come back, there's a real good chance I'll be waiting.

mongoliangirl said...

Ah, my lovely, perfect, honest Blue. I feel so sad.
I hope you will email or post a comment to let me know if you create another blog.
I feel like I'm loosing my funniest coworker and would totally give you a big bear hug if I could.

Anonymous said...

Blue...This makes me so sad. I've loved your posts and reading about your life in Spain. And I always wonder if your Luigi is as hot as the Italian Luigi I once knew. Also, I'm honored for the link...that's shitting in tall cotton as far as I'm concerned. If you start another blog, please let me know. Until then, I hope to see your comments at all our favorite places.

Gwen said...

Ok. I'm sad. I mean I get it...every word of what you wrote. I'm sort of where you are actually (not physically. I mean I wish I were in Spain because I'd take you up on that offer of coffee and we'd have an awesome conversation about something really, really interesting). I feel like blogs are little (or big) pieces of us and we dispense them so readily for all to see. We open ourselves up to so much scrutiny and judgment and also praise when we post. So when we are not getting that same level of openness from those that read our blogs, it can feel like the relationship is lop-sided.

I haven't "known" you very long in the blogging universe. You were one of the first people that I didn't know in real life to comment on my blog. I'm really grateful to you for doing that. Your words gave me a glimmer of hope. You made me think that maybe I could make a connection on here, that my writing might matter on a (slightly)bigger scale than I originally expected.

Anyway, I'm going to miss you. But I really wish you much success in whatever you set out to do. You are a fantastic writer. I have no doubts, whatsoever, that you will make a big mark with your words. Please don't go away entirely. Do you have a twitter account or something? I also have a Facebook account. Maybe we could "friend" each other on there? I promise I won't stalk you...too much :)

Ellie said...

Well, this is sad for me. I found you relatively recently (in the form of another persona -- long story; you'd probably recognise the site though; hasn't changed too much), and you made me laugh my ass off. You are funny and honest, and your writing seems effortless.

But, I understand you. Part of the long story re: the new persona has everything to do with unwanted 'real life' people mucking around in my sacred cyber world.

If you find new digs, let us know.

x, e

globalgal said...

Get back out there and enjoy yourself. I hope you find inspiration for tons of writing - you do it well and your words will be missed! I hope you'll surprise us with more.

Captain Steve said...

I migrated my blog because a couple people from real life read it and I felt stifled and stuck. Drop a line if/when you start a new blog, because I am hooked on your insides (HA! Intestines joke!) In the meantime, go sunbathe topless and wander the streets.

American in Sydney said...

I was so sad reading your post today.

You always express so many of the things I feel about living abroad but don't have the words, nor the balls, to put out there.

Regarding the lurkers from real life who read your blog but never mention it, I agree-- it's disturbing not knowing who's out there, or what they've read. They may never mention it. They may never acknowledge that they know your deepest, darkest.

I've only shared my blog with a handful of people I actually know. It is not linked to on facebook. But when I went to Florida, a couple of acquaintances and other friends told me they read it ALL THE TIME. I had no idea, and of course I have no idea who else they've shared it with. It's weird, and creepy, and stifling.

Sorry for rambling, but in closing let me say-- you've been my blog hero. Your writing-- the honesty, vulnerability, occasional anger and rawness of it all inspires me. When I read your blog, I want to try and write more beautifully. I want to try and be more real.

I hope you'll be back. And of course, if ever in Sydney... I expect an email so we can smoke and drink on my balcony and wallow together in expatdom.

Anonymous said...

Bye. Good luck with your other things.

People in the Sun said...

Maybe I should tell you to go and do what you need to do. Experience life without the burden of writing about it. I didn't have a camera in my crazy 20's because I thought it would stop me from experiencing stuff. And maybe it was true.

But you write, "What I really want to communicate I'm not for some reason, and I'm trying to figure out why."

So I can't tell you it's okay to stop. There's something you're trying to understand by writing. Throughout my time doing this thing, I saw many people stop and get a life, and I always congratulated them for that. I just hope you're not leaving behind in this blog the real you, and instead going to the pretend-everything-is-okay real world.

And maybe your real (facebook) ("real"?) friends can handle the real you. Try them.

And if you don't listen to me, well, I hope you continue to visit my little blog. It's not much, but it's home. And I do enjoy your visits and your comments. Okay?

Actually, you know what? Forget what I said. Just keep writing. You write so well, it won't matter what you write. Write movie reviews. Take pictures of Spaniards and make it a photo blog. When you're ready to say what you need to say, we'll still be here to understand. Because we're better than the Facebook crowd. We don't run away from honesty. That's why we're here and not on Facebook or Twitter. We search for the truth. And My Blue Streak is where we find it.

Denise said...

Hi, guess I'm one of those who doesn't share...discovered you, and through you other bloggers, during recent long tedious recovery from back operation which wrenched me from a happy(-ish)life in rural Spain (Brit ex-pat here) to obligatory residence in Madrid, and made me feel at times like my computer was my only friend. I've loved your posts, was too shy to write before, but if you're off into the big blue yonder, it's time to give you my heartfelt thanks, and to wish you well. Wish you weren't going though...

Bluestreak said...

Thank you everyone for your kind comments, it means a lot to me.

I just reread my post and realize how ungrateful to the lurkers out there it must sound. I myself lurk on a lot of sites before I become a regular commenter and know that the internet is a place where anyone is free to roam anywhere they choose. If I wanted to, i could just password protect this site and only allow invited readers, I know that. But I don't want to do that, precisely because I feel good about writing for people like Denise (hi! by the way) who don't know me and who are capable of finding something of interest in what I have to say(which at the same time sort of boggles my mind).

I guess I should say that it isn't so much the unknown lurkers that stifles my writing as it is the known ones. Help. My foot doesn't taste good.

But maybe there are other things that are stifling my writing and that's why I just want to live a bit and figure it out.

You're all awesome, thanks again. And hey, I never said I was gonna stop reading. Are you kidding?

LadyHAHA said...

No. sorry. I did not give permission for your to leave just yet. Seriously though, I know what you mean about not having the freedom to write about what you really want to write about when INITIALLY that's what you started the blog for. I find myself censoring so much - I think I MIGHT get another blog and not tell anyone about it!

(okay if you do that, let's do the whole - I'll show you my secret blog if you show me yours - thing okay?!?!)

I'll miss you though. Please visit me often.

Jen's Farmily said...

I'm sorry to see you go, but I know what you mean about people eyein' you cheeseball.

A Free Man said...

Well shit. I know what you're saying - sometimes publishing on the internet is a bit eviscerating. Especially because you don't know who's reading it. But sometimes, for me, that's the liberating part of it - throwing it out there and not giving a shit.

I'll miss reading you. But I think you left a little avenue for return. Here's hoping you use it!

Gypsy said...

I understand completely. I hope that you'll go away and do what you need to do but come back soon, in maybe another form, another name. Because I love what you write, and I know I'll be blown away when you're able to communicate like you want to, unfettered.

Don't stay away long, though. Please?

maggie, dammit said...

You are a rare voice out here, and I selfishly hate to lose it. Wherever you go, I hope you'll take me with you.

Unknown said...

Just catching up from a week's holiday
I'm not feeling it on anymore too.
Time to try something new; perhaps life, like you said

Reverend Ghost said...

Hey. Email me. Oh, you too blue, you email me too.

Because you're going to need my advice. Somehow, I know that you're going to need it.

Oh, and fuck you for not giving me a nod. If it weren't for me and DPH, you would have one seriously torn and scarred rectum.

feral boy, ethpana said...

I literally found your blog yesterday and find that I'm reading your last post. crap.

oh well, got some back issues to read. thanks for the insight, and belly busting rants. they sum up how i feel about spain at times pretty well.

feral boy, ethpana said...

hey bluestreak. thanks for the note. you can use

i read through several of your posts and they are really funny. it's funny the stuff that seemingly all expats in spain get annoyed/amused by. heres another: my girlfirend tells me that when she rides the metro with her coffee mug, poeple stare as if she were holding the head of a child in her hands.

cozzie laura said...

I just found your blog, and can empathize completely with what you're feeling, however, from a purely selfish standpoint, you can't stop blogging or go private, I've been going through your archives and I love your stuff!

Rachel said...

Well Blue, I really miss your posts. It was another way for me to feel close to you when you are so far away all the time. You and I are close, but we have never been really great about keeping in touch. You are never on facebook anymore, and we dont email. We just need to freaking call eachother more often. Im sorry I let weeks go by without talking to you sometimes.

Im sorry you dont like any family members reading. I have a feeling you are starting right back up somewhere else, but not telling a select few of us? Well, as someone that has been blogging for years, I know how you feel. Ive got my public online persona and then my private blog, where no family can pry. Its liberating and Ive made some of my best friends that way (that have since turned into people I now know in real life)

I will miss your posts. I didnt even know how funny you were until I started reading what you write. I didnt know you had such a talent for writing. I have no talent for writing and I apologize that my blog is not so entertaining. But you better still read it and comment on what is happening with us, K??
Love you.

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Mother Theresa said...

Oh, that's too bad. I don't know if you'll even get to reading this comment, but I really used to enjoy what you wrote. You made me laugh. But blogging can be hard, and if you don't feel good about it, then it's time to call it quits. I've stopped for a long time too, maybe a little because I didn't want to share my life with the world for a while and a lot because it was just too tiring to think of interesting things to write. And now I'm back, something just clicked, and I knew it was time. I hope maybe someday you'll be back too, but in the meantime, enjoy life.