Thursday, June 26, 2008

Death by hyphen

I´ve been SUCH a bitch lately.

Why are you crying? I don´t KNOW. I´m angry and I don´t know what or who it´s directed at. You hate the house, job? Yes. Is that why your a such a mess? MAYBE.

Is it possible that I remember happier times, but in those times I wasn't really happy either, I was just thinking about the past remembering illusive better times or obsessed with the future? That this might be the case does not bug me nearly as much as not knowing for sure if that was the case or not. Was I ever happy before or not??? What am I, fucking senile?

I'm sad. I'm cry-your-eyes-out-over-that-song-from-the-mixed-tape-someone-gave-you-eleven,yes,eleven-years-ago-sad.



I'm get-your-life-turned-upside-down-because-of-a-fucking-sunflower-field-with-just-the-right-light-sad.



I am feeling the drawbacks of the information age. It is not natural to be able to know about peoples lives from your past just by googling them. These are ghosts that never rest in peace. Facebook is the spawn of the devil.

I'm angry too. I'm be-a-bitch-to-my-sweet-husband-no-good-reason-angry. He cannot avoid my ridiculous whatever-crisis. He is dodging my fly-away bullets that I am shooting at myself and whatever moves. I can't even decide what kind of a crisis it is I'm going through (Thirties crisis? Identity crisis? Cultural crisis? I´ve-turned-into-a-total-sell-out-and-have-given-up-on-my-dreams-crisis? Should-I-have-a-kid-or-is-my-life-gonna-get-a-million-times-more-complicated-if-I-do-crisis?). If I knew I could read some self-help book or watch Oprah and shut the hell up. Marriage blows, especially when you are married to me right now. I KNOW, babe.

I talk to a good friend, my real-life friend. Talking to M is like getting a free 1/2 hour therapy session on the phone. That is, if by therapy you mean, having someone tell you all your problems with go away if you just reproduce. "You only think about what an inconveience kids are, you don't know the good" Why couldn´t I have just gotten knocked up and not have to deal with torturous decisions, this constant state of examination of if I should have kids and what it will mean, and blah-di-blah-di-blah. I seriously wish I had gotten knocked up five years ago and avoided the whole overanalyzation-of-when-is-the-right-time-part. Can someone just give me a kid? Drop it off at my house, all helpless and cute and little, and force me to make this decision, cause apparently I have gotten to the point over the years of being absolutely incapable of it.

I was better at this 5-6 years ago when I KNEW what I was doing. Hello, no one was gonna stand in my way. Cabezona. Or at least had the illusion of knowing what I was doing. THAT is the feeling I miss. THAT is happiness. Feeling 100% sure your decisions are the right ones. I guess that is what being young is and making impulsive decisions that will forever inform the rest of your life.

Ah, Cariño. I love you. I could never be without you, I never could before, no matter how dumb of an idea it seeemed for us to try to make this thing work being from different continents. I'm here fully aware that this life is gonna be rough being over here, in this place that I blame everything on. Leaving you would be like gnawing off my own arm, leaving here like amputating part of my spirit. But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna suck to be married to sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm never gonna look back and be sad for roads not taken. Sorry 'bout that. P.S. wanna have a kid?




Clip from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

artwork from flickr:

Mixed tape love by e.c.

and

The last Sunflower by Bernat

15 comments:

Sarita said...

Writing is therapy! This is good stuff. ((HUGS)) hon...

Mexico "Way" said...

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. But I'm glad I'm not the only one that has some sort of odd attachment to that movie.

It will pass, and if it doesn't, how about try something new? Take a class, start to paint, or......throw something.

Hugs!

Rachel said...

The timing is never right. You will never have enough money. But children fit into our lives in a really great way and things just fall into place. I say go for it! I know you and Mr.Bluestreak would be wonderful, loving parents.

Take a deep breath. Vacation and a trip home is in a few weeks away. :)

RTL said...

BlueStreak is in a bluestreak. HEE. Clever.

I bet all these chicks that left messages have fat asses.

Did that chick just say "GO FOR IT?"

Quote:

"But children fit into our lives in a really great way and things just fall into place. I say go for it!"

And writing is not therapy. The most selfish and miserable way to approach life is to assume that your feelings and experiences matter to the world. Or to assume that the purpose of life is to have feelings and experiences. There are far more important things than fat girl feelings and experiences. Feelings and experiences are things to laugh(or cry) about over a beer or coffee or tea.....Other than that, not all that important.

Our parents were baby boomers. I've heard that generation desribed as the locust generation because they cosume every resource in sight. Including our time, with all their talk about their feelings. Feelings change and are fleeting and are not real.

Have a baby. A baby is real. You will be more sure about the baby that is real than feelings about not having a baby. But warning: Baby will make you tired...very tired. You were a baby once and grew up to be BlueStreak. Baby will become a person too.

Kristy said...

maybe you need to smack someone out?

http://www.counterfeitmini.com/main.swf

why are we all going through a crisis? Has someone spiked the drinking water with histeria inducing poison? I smell a conspiracy.

Bluestreak said...

In defense of my readers, RTL, I can assure you they have very beautiful asses.

Kristy thanks for that it´s hilarious.

RTL said...

I am really impressed with myself for my last contribution to Blue streak's blog. I hurt my shoulder patting my self on the back.

Click me here for the nice part first.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5PDlfig2U8

but click me here for the good stuff.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRcuDz1ZZhw

and for genius, this

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRcuDz1ZZhw

This was Tom Cruise's best shot at an Oscar. Why? #1 He was a supporting actor, big ego filed correctly. #2 Find one other person, including yourself, that can say Frank T.J. Mackie's lines from the script and make you believe it.

He convinced Will Freakin' Smith to be a Scientolgist. That shit's illegal in Germany.

RTL said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_kKFbfHfN8

He-Man

I know BlueStreak will check this out.

Anonymous said...

If you are going thru a hard time, this is definitely NOT the time to have a kid. Having a baby will not solve the issues and could just make them worse. Don´t feel at home in Seville now, try it with a kid, your American parenting style will clash with spouse/in-laws/teachers/other parents.
You will be frustrated with the daycare/school system here and will constantly be comparing
between here and home. ¿Should I move home to raise them in the US?
Feel cramped in your little piso now, try it with a kid running around.
Chances are they will turn out more sevillano then american, preferring chorizo to PB&J, Betis over the Yankees, won´t say please or thank you no matter many times you correct them will talk back to you in Spanish no matter how hard you try to get them to speak English. As they get older they may even hassle you about your accent and resent that you are a foreigner, that you speak English to them: they just want to be "normal" kids with "normal" parents. If you want to feel even more confused about who you are and where you belong, go for it and have a kid here, otherwise maybe quit your job and head home for an extended stay...decide now if this is for you. Maybe you were more happy there, maybe you really belong here.
Life it too short to be unhappy, feeling stuck somewhere wher you don't think you belong.

Bluestreak said...

Anonymous, you mention a lot of things I have considered, which is precisely is why I´m having these feeling of uncertaintly to begin with. And you mention other things that I had not even thought about. You sound like you speak from experience. Thanks for the baby repellent. I don´t know though. I´ll probably still do this to myself anyways. I love torture.

Rachel said...

yes I said go for it and I stand by that statement. Sometimes you just have to do that. Take a leap of faith. Its a big decision and you could spend your whole life trying to decide what to do.

Anonymous said...

And Rachel is RACHEL!!!!! I didnt even realize!! Dont I feel dumb.
Feel free to drop me an email. I think you know where to find it. I was talking shit for entertainment value anyway. I do hope The Bluestreak snaps out-of-the funk. There are talks of a reunion in december over the holidays. I heard you married rich. have us over? I would bring plenty of PBR.

Anonymous said...

Rachel, that was from RTL. I dont get this some times.....

Global Gal said...

Well I'm late to the party, but let me just say thanks for writing this post, because that is how I feel at the moment. Hubby is going on and on about making a five year plan and having kids before he hits 40. I would love for an adorable three year old to just show up and be our kid, without the expense or bother of adoption. I'm really going to have to consider this.

We differ in one aspect - I think I would much rather raise kids in Spain than in the US, but then again, I'm sure my parenting style would go against the grain no matter where I lived. One thing for sure - I'm not having a kid in China. Period!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Rachel said...

what is Ryan's email address? I just figured out he was the asshole commenting on your blog! Too funny!

Of course now I dont think he's an asshole. hahaha.