Wednesday, August 6, 2008

trip home in numbers

Number of people currently drunk and posting under "bluestreak": 1

Number of days home: 2

Number of siblings still willing to get drunk with me: 2

Age difference between me and one of said siblings, which explains why they will still get drunk with me: 9 years.

Number of family members that tonight I discovered have been arrested and spent at least a night in jail: 2 (WTF????!!!!)

Number of beers needed to be able to begin to handle a meal with Spanish parents-in-law who have accompanied us on this trip to the states: 2 (clash of civilizations post in workings)

Number of times I've felt like banging my head against the wall during a meal: >10

Number of cigarettes smoked that I was made to feel like a crack addict for smoking: 10 (yeah, I'm an asshole, I know I said I was quitting)

Number of cigarettes my instincts have told me to smoke: 1000+

Number of times people have asked me when I'm going to have a kid: 28

Number of times I've wanted to smack someone for asking me a stupid question: 28

Number of times I've wanted to throw up because one of the people asking the question was younger brother who attempted to discuss my sex life at the dinner table: 1

Percentage decrease in size of functional ovaries each time I'm asked the question: 3.5%

Projected weight gain during next two week period due to a mix of nervous eating and gorging on food I miss: 10 lbs.

Number of people that need to get their ass to bed and sleep it off: 1



kate said...

So funny! And wow, you brought your in-laws with you? I would die! Are they staying with your family too? (God, I'm nosy!) I think it would totally piss me off that what was supposed to be time for me to revel in my own culture/home/family/etc. would be taken over by making sure they are having a good time, and then of course there is the endless translating of boring-as-hell small talk because that's all the two sets of families would have to say to each other, or even translating real conversations, because oh man, does that also suck. I hope your in-laws are more self-sufficient. I'm assuming you do have some time to yourself because otheriwse you probably would not be a) drinking with your siblings and b) blogging. Looking very forward to your clash of civilizations post!

And it did occur to me that my last comment here might be interpreted as an assumption on my part that of course you will have kids someday (soon?)-- when I do know that a) just because I do doesn't mean that everyone else wants to and b)none of my business. I'll leave that particular issue to your family-- sounds like they're doing a good job of it!

I'm not drunk but I am drinking a Mahou Premium Light (have you tried them? 35% fewer calories, and only 3.5% alcohol-- neither of which is likely a selling point for the general public, but both suit me well at this particular junction) and I too should definitely stop going on so much and get my ass to bed, but it's too damn hot to sleep so I'm holding forth in other people's comment boxes instead. Oh well.

Maggie, Dammit said...

OMG the first and last are priceless.

Bluestreak said...

Hi Kate! I have no idea how my in laws ended up monopolizing my holiday, but hey, shit happens. Luckily I´m back to the states again in Septemeber for a few days so will try to make up for lost time. My in-laws are not the least bit self-sufficient, they wouldn´t even go on a walk on the beach by themselves and give us a rest! They were really sweet though and humble and loved every minute of their visit. Re kids, your assumption is correct that someday I will have kids, that´s why I´m so damn tormented over the issue, cause I know it´s inevitable.

Maggie, Dammit - thanks. :)

miss hell said...

i really want to see this clash of civilizations blog and you have actually decided that you DO want to have little parasites?