Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Tomorrow I promise more rice cakes

My blog is on a diet.

I’m only allowing my blog to indulge in homesickness posts every once in awhile. But lately, the filler posts are the equivalent of a rice cake where prose is concerned.

But today I’m feasting on a cornucopia of longing. Esto es lo que hay, bitches. Because the pendulum of homesickness swings back around to me again, this time with the weather. The fucking weather. I know I’m not the only one that feels nostalgia when the weather changes, but in me it brings out steady, corkscrew-to-the-brain homesickness.



It’s only when trips are near that I allow for this sort of pandering. When I know I’m not going to be relieved of this place for another six months I go about my business in a robotic sort of way. The phantom limb of home moves with me fittingly and the gaping hole in my persona the size of the Grand Canyon where my roots used to be is ignored. But as a trip home approaches I experience a homesickness coup that lobotomizes my brain and effectively wreaks cognitive havoc on my life. I might seem normal, but inside I’m curled up in a foetal ball.

The truth is, I hate the trips home. I need them, but I hate them. I build so many expectations and so much anxiety around these trips, that they could never possibly fulfil all that I’ve built them up to be in my mind. With just two weeks to spend at home, and with everyone I know pulling me in different directions, I leave feeling like I´ve been to 17th century England where I´ve been tried, drawn and quartered for high treason.

I never experience home like I used to.

Oh, yeah, and there’s the guilt. The guilt of not spending enough time with everyone. But harsher yet, the guilt of not actually even enjoying the trip that so much angst went into planning and anticipating.

I know what you´re thinking. Chill, Bluey. Well, I´ve never claimed not to be high strung.

I’m buying my flights home today. That’s what this is really all about.

Oh, and I´m cold. And cold = October = pumpkin carving contests I won’t be in = Halloween parties I won’t be going to = nephews dressed up like pumpkins I won’t be kissing. And yes, I´m bitter.

So today I get to be sad.

And I ain´t apologizing for it, RTL.

-Bluestreak.

"Homesick" by silviadinatelle:: from Flickr.

14 comments:

Formerly Fun said...

My trips home are the same, even though it's only from California to Wisconsin. Nearly all of my family and college friends are still there and it ends up being this whirlwind tour that leaves me spent. I get from my mom and two aunts the,"I wish you lived closer, we never get to see the kids." and from my grandma the, "your mom really wishes you lived here, evr think about coming back?" Thanks guys, cause it's not hard enough, ugh.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

In general, I tend to do this- whether it's a trip to visit friends and family, or a trip to an exotic place. Or a hockey game with a cute boy. I tend to build it up and the anticipation of it all is so incredibly exciting. Only to overshadow the actual boring event and I return disappointed.

*sigh*

I have issues.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I share the feeling, but in reverse. I want to go back to CO and NOT be in stupid California.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I'm barely 2 hours from home, door to door, and I can't bring myself to go.

I haven't been in a year, and I've no desire to go.

Not because I don't miss it, but the trips just end up being the opposite of what we all want, for some reason.

A Free Man said...

I hate going home, not because I don't want to see my family, but for some of the reasons that you wrote (beautifully as usual) about. The big problem is that its NOT home anymore. Home is where I and my little nuclear family are. That ain't Florida. My parents don't live in my childhood home anymore so there's not even that link.

Plus, the flight sucks!

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

I'm finally making my first trip home since moving to Australia almost 18 months ago.

Hopefully the trip home will be all I've built it up to be... but I've heard the fantasy of "home" is often better than the reality.

Bluestreak said...

FF - I get the same thing "when are you guys moving back to the states?". Yeah, keep asking, it really helps.

Mountain lover - I have the same issues. This is why I need to constantly have a trip to plan. The planning part I actually enjoy more than the trip.

DPH - I´d love to be in stupid California right now...actually I wouldn´t mind being in Colorado either.

Xbox - I wish I could just say no and actually have a real vacation instead of always going home to my parents house. But it´s the nephews that get me now, they pull me in with their cuteness.

A Free Man - yeah, the trip absolutely sucks and must only get worse when you have a kid in tow. I already feel like it´s getting harder and harder to handle as the years go on, the traveling affects me so much more now than before.

Floridagirl - I think it depends on how long you go for. Two weeks is not enough to do everything AND be able to just relax and experience home like you used to. Sometimes I just want to read a book in my parents back yard, or go a coffee shop by myself and read the paper for a couple of hours. But when you´re visiting and you have so many people to see, you never do this kind of thing, because you´re trying to cram in a bunch of visits and stuff.

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

Oh yeah, the constant "When are you moving back?" sure is encouraging-- not.

I'm going for SEVEN weeks!!! Oh yeah, baby. I'm lucky because the school year in Australia is the end of January thru the beginning of December. So they have a very long break at the perfect time for me to go to Florida and enjoy the least hot and humid time of the year-- swwweeet!

Rassles said...

Dude I get like this just visiting my parents in the suburbs. It's a forty five minute drive.

Fned said...

I get that way but basically too when I go back home.

Still, I usually stay "incomonicado" at my parents' for the first three days (I don't tell anyone I've arrived yet) and then spend the rest of the time rushing around. I'm not saying it's the perfect solution but at least I get to spend a little time just chilling with my family, hanging with my sibs watching TV or playing Nintendo and gossiping with my mom over a cup of coffee. It helps that my parents' place is really far out in the country and pretty hard to reach if you don't have a car (like most of my friends).

Oh, and to the first person that dares to make a comment of the "why don't you live closer?" sort, I always reply "the planes fly both ways, you know that right?"

Have fun going back home and chilax girl. It'll be ok.

Fned.

prayingtodarwin said...

My home is kind of gone. My parents sold our farm, the house was burned down. And to be honest - it was so liberating. Not to be cheesy (but I am what I am), but now home is truly where my husband and kids are.

Bluestreak said...

Floridagirl - 7 weeks is perfect, plus you get to go at a good time of year. I hate going to Arizona in the summer, it´s a nightmare.

Rassles - you must not visit very much. No wonder your mom won´t get you a particle collider.

Fned - That´s a good idea, the fewer people you tell, the fewer obligations you have!

Prayingtodarwin - your lucky you feel that way. But for me it isn´t so much about home as in house, but home as in country. I just want to be in my country sometimes, I don´t even care what part.

Rachel said...

No pumpkins this year, Sam is Batman and Charlie is Robin.

Gypsy said...

You make me wonder if my brother, who has lived abroad for seven (?) years now, ever misses home. Somehow, I'm not sure he does. Or if he does, I bet it's not a whole lot. Not enough to move back. I think he may be gone for good. Or at least as long as he can.