Thursday, October 23, 2008

My happiness can be bought for the low price of 500,000 euros (or I´m only posting so I can abuse the hyphen key).

Sometimes when I’m looking for material to post on, I try to look deep within myself and find some really dark hidden reality inside of me to enlighten you all with so we can make some kind of human connection however fragile across these windows of integrated circuits and pixels n shit.

But, let’s face it, I’m not that substantive, and to be honest, sometimes I’m as shallow as that stagnant, piss-temperature puddle I just fucked my boots up in on my way to work. Trust me, I live with myself, I know this about me.

Shopping makes me happy. Not ephemerally, evasively happy, but real, Capitalism-Has-Hooked-It´s-Fangs-Into-Me-And-I´m-Ready-To-Speak-In-Tongues-For-This-Shit happy.

I know that deep down I’m a materialist. If someone gave me 500,000 euros it would buy my happiness. Or at least I feel like it would. I would buy a house in Arizona and a flat in Spain and I would quit my Being-Penetrated-In-My-Ear-Canal-Would-Be-Funner-Than-This job.

I know, I know, you will say that if I had the money, I would just find new things to be unhappy about and it wouldn’t bring REAL happiness. Well, save it, cause luckily I don’t believe in real happiness. How could I? I’m kidless. Everyone knows you can’t even fathom real happiness until you spawn. Duh.

So in the meantime, I’m gonna drool over some new boots I might treat myself to if I start feeling really desperate for some happiness relief and dream of the day I can tell The Man to get his dick out of my ear canal.

Anyone have a Q-tip?



clarissa said...

It's been ages since I have seen 'Q-tip' in print. They call them
'cotton buds' where I am now (UK). I'll send you one.

mongoliangirl said...

Damnit Bluestreak! Now I'm all confused because I'm always saying, "Fuck The Man", and now it appears he may have his dick in my ear! Shit. Let me know if you find any Q-Tips. And let me know if you find boots so fabulous that they help you avoid dealing with the reality of getting skull fucked by The Man.

Rassles said...

I don't want to be all My-Own-Horn-Tooter or anything, but I don't know if you know this about Q-tips.

That being said, you should buy a really furry pony. They make everyone feel better.

Rassles said...

Not that you're feeling bad about anything. I'm just pretty sure you could tell some kick ass stories about your adventures with your Spanish pony sidekick.

You could name him Buttons, but in Spanish.

I'm paying attention, really.

A Free Man said...

Apologies in advance, but...

Does you have a really big ear canal or does The Man have a really small dick?

Yeah, it's that kind of day for me.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Actually, kids just make you need/want more euros. So then the price for your happiness doubles. It's a vicious cycle. Just saying. (Sorry.)

Bluestreak said...

Clarissa - please do.

Mongoliangirl - it´s hard to reason with a dick in your ear. But boots usually help a little.

Rassles - but ponies shit and they don´t cuddle you on the couch. I don´t know how to say Buttons in Spanish.

A Free Man - Hahahaha, The Man´s dick feels gigantic.

Maggie - that´s ok. I´m as likely to get 1,000,000 euros as I am to get 500, I´ll keep dreamin.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

I don't have a q-tip, but I have a kid you can have.

Just think, you could have mornings like this:

DPH: are you done with your cereal?

Punk: yep.

I take the bowl to the sink, wash it out and put it in the dishwasher. 5 minutes later...

Punk: mom??? where's my cereal.

DPH: you said you were done.

Punk: but I wanted to drink the milk.

DPH: did you tell me that?

Punk starts crying like I just kicked her dog.

It's could have mornings like this too...

Florida Girl In Sydney said...

You may want to buy some TJMAXX stock cause I'm heading home a month from today, and I am a bargain-shopper-from-hell.

As for the dick in your ear...
Free man had me totally hysterical.

Captain Steve said...

One of my favorite things to do is fantasize about what I'd do with a hundred grand. Is that shallow and capitalistic and all the stuff we're not sposed to be?

Bluestreak said...

DPH - ok, I admit, that doesn't sound like happiness. Let me go back to my first arguement that money brings happiness, not children.

Floridagirl - TJMaxxxxxxx!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. this place sucks for shopping. SUCKSSSSSSSS.

Captainsteve - Yes, but that's where I'm at right now.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I've spent a lot of time calculating this, I reckon you need more like €1.5M to be able to pack it all in and go live happily.

Bluestreak said...

xbox - you´re definitely right. But right now, happiness for me would be quitting my job and doing something I enjoy more although earning less money. My mind can´t even fathom 1,5 million. Well, wait, actually it can. Ok, while I´m dreaming, I may as well up it to 1,5 million. Done.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

comes from the old 'if I had a million' statement.

With my humongous family all wanting handouts, I'd probably end up in the red if I won the lottery.

Bluestreak said...

My uncle actually did win the lottery, about 15 years ago he won the Detroit jackpot and raked in something like 28 million dollars. Too bad my family is so big that I´ve only had like two breif conversations with this guy my entire life. I imagine the hand-out line is ten miles long.