Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Resolutions of the teeth (and self) improving variety

Well, that’s it. Another year has come and gone.

Happy belated birthday, world (or I should say, Happy Birthday de facto international standard Gregorian calendar).

I’m not about to post my new year's resolutions here and jinx myself, like I’ve done before.

I will tell you that one of these undeclared resolutions concerns quitting a certain disgusting habit in the hopes that my teeth will stop resembling those of some poor chap that was born on the lower end of the feudal scale during the Elizabethan era and that my lungs will be in slightly better condition than those of an unlucky coal miner.


Those Elizabethan serfs had an excuse for the unseemly state their teeth were in; they were busy worrying about more pressing matters such as rotting garbage in the streets and no structured sewage system and oh, you know, stressful things like the bubonic plague. I have no excuse other than wanting to inhale poison for some reason because I guess my life is just too damn easy. My teeth have been unsuspecting casualties.

In light of my rediscovered love of my own teeth (and lungs), I’ve scheduled a visit to the dentist.

The Spanish dentist.

Don’t freak people, this is a first world country. I promise Bluestreak will not end up with gold caps. Although that would kind of rule.

Sometimes I think we Americans might obsess a little too much about our teeth compared to other people. Our teeth do generally kick ass. Well, mine are starting to look as if I’ve been munching ass as opposed to kicking it, but I’m generalizing here.

As an American I know what a dental visit should consist of.

When I go to the dentist I don’t want it to only last ten minutes and to basically just have my mouth rinsed out with a little white hose and then get pat on the back and be told to keep up the good work with the dental hygiene.


I want my teeth to have the living shit scraped off of them and for my bleeding gums to be mercilessly poked at. I want to have to grip the handles on the chair in fear and I want to experience some mild pain. I want the procedure to seemingly go on for eternity. Then I want to be scolded and slightly humiliated for not flossing as much as I should. That would be a normal visit to the dentist.

But this isn’t a normal place, this place I’m in.

This is a place where fucked up things occur, like when a few days after my last dental appointment I went back to the medical center for my gynecologist appointment and the woman that assisted the doctor with my pap smear (i.e. "the nurse") was also the woman that had assisted my dentist with my cleaning days earlier (i.e. previously known as "the dental hygienist").

Um, am I dreaming, is this hell, or am I perpetually living in a Dali painting?

Ok, ok, one of my other resolutions (fuck it, I’m now declaring them) is that I’m gonna try to quit being such an ungrateful bitch and as you can see, that leaves me without a whole helluvalot to blog about. So in that vein, I think I should mention in my most grateful tone that my healthcare is free here and for mere convenience, I’ve felt the need to sign up for private health care at about eighty bucks a month which covers anything that could possibly go wrong with my body or mind, including my beloved grinders and biters. But apparently the nurses under my plan are jack-of-all-trades or jack-of-all-orifices.

Wish me luck on my next visit to the dentist. Oh and on my inadvertently mentioned new years resolutions.


"Mouth 4" by ysin from Flickr.

"Bailarina" by Salvador Dali


Anonymous said...

And to think I was pissed last time b/c the dental assistant tilted me too far back in the chair and made the blood rush to my head.

Good luck with your resolutions!

Martin said...

If they're familiar with anesthetic, they are streets ahead of the Dutch...

formerly fun said...

Oh man do I miss smoking. Even now, long after I've quit, whenever I have a fight with my husband I want a cig so bad I can feel it in my bones.

I quit a few years ago and would have one now and then. Last year my previously healthy, robust, 85 year old grandfather died of pancreatic cancer. He didn't smoke but watching him go so fast and nearly beg for one more day of golfing, visiting with his grandkids, snuggling up my grandma, playing cards with us...I made a promise to myself that life was uncertain enough I would no longer do stuff that I knew would/could shorten my life(I still drive fast so that's not entirely true).

I knew that though life surely has it's difficult moments that there would probably come a day where I wished for just a little bit more time. I know everyone has to find their own reason but this one stuck for me. Good luck:)

Clarissa said...

Fucking hysterical. The Spanish dental visit sounds very much like the English one (except for the jack-of-all-orifices assistant). A little waterpic action and a congratulations for being such a rock star. Fuck, just being American probably qualifies us to practice dentistry over here. Anyway, best of luck on all resolutions. I've given up the poison for just over a year. You can do it too.

LadyHAHA said...

'jack of all orifices' I think I I knew that guy in college.

Americans do have an obsession with teeth but duuude - I'm kind of glad about that. I was scared out of my mind when I first went to London and took a gander at their grills. (how do teeth turn GRAY??)

Anonymous said...

Jack of all orifices. Heh. For some reason (likely dirty) that makes me think of the ear.

Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

When I saw the word 'resolutions' and that first picture I thought you were going to tell us you had resolved to pluck your nose hair on a regular basis.
And, good luck!

A Free Man said...

I actually can't deal with this post because I'm so absolutely distraught and obsessed with my teeth - so I know what you mean, but I'm going to leave it there.

Anonymous said...

That, blue, dripped off petals of an open heart.


Gypsy said...

Oh God. I'm going to have nightmares of speculums coming at my mouth and drills coming at my hooha. Never the twain should meet, I don't care what that movie "Teeth" had to say about vagina dentata.

Bluestreak said...

@cubicle - Oh I would love that to be my only problem when going to the dentist. Now I have to deal with the fact that the hygienist has seen the other end of me too.

@xbox - I hope you're not speaking from experience.

@FF - There are a million reasons I should have quit long ago, but oh well. Here I am, day 8 without a smoke. It's been rough but not THAT rough.

@Clarissa - hahahah. I never thought to look for a job in dentistry. Now that I'm unemployed and looking for work that certainly broadens things a bit.

@YoMamma - Hahahaha. I'm astounded at the possible teeth colors that I never knew about before.

@Captain Steve - at LEAST they left my ears alone!

@Mongolian - I guess I should have specified that was not a picture of me. Oh well, maybe it will throw people I know off that I don't want knowing this is me on my blog.

@Free Man - Oh come on, surely you have something more to add from all your years in England! Ok, I'll quit picking on the Brits teeth now.

@RTL - thought I'd lost ya. thanks, I think.

@Gypsy - you and me both.

Martin said...

I'm doing so very much, and I have the face ache today to prove it.


Rassles said...

I may not shower daily, but goddammit my teeth are in good shape.

Tobi said...

Ok, so smoking sucks and the dentist sucks, but the nitrous oxide? Now that! Is worth cleaning your nose holes out for before the appointment.

American in Sydney said...

You kill me.

~Mountain Lover~ said...

A Conversation in South Africa:

Gox: Are all Americans' teeth that white?
Me: How white?
Gox: Like yours.
Me: My are a bit dingy. I need to Crest-whitening strip the hell out of them.
Gox: That's dingy? Can you send me some?

But I don't think my teeth looked any better than theirs did, and normally that's the first thing I noticed.