Today I opened my closet and put on one of those Halloween costumes. One of the many that I have that are nicely pressed that scream "I´m responsible! I´m avoiding fuck-upery today!" Then I glared at myself in the mirror. Bullshitter. I didn´t even pretend to consider to wash my hair because I couldn´t think of any compelling reason to do so. One last glance in the mirror before leaving. Yup, that´s what I usually look like. Yup, you´re just your same old self. Can someone smack me in the head, I mean...pat me on the back, cause that took a lot of work?
Almost my entire adult life has consisted of me waiting to be summoned to a meeting by my bosses/grad committee/ family/ whoever, where they sit me down and say "Uh...we´ve been reviewing your file...and...our data indicates that....you´re full of shit".
Today when I get off work, I´ll go home, and put my big girl panties on (or are they my fat panties?) and I´ll roast a goddamn chicken, cause that´s what I´m supposed to do. This is who I am. Then I´ll go to the gym that I´ve been paying for for god-knows-how-many-months-without-going because I´m supposed to fucking go and I´ll take my frustration out on the treadmill and if I´m lucky, I´ll zone out and not think about how much it sucks. Then I´ll go home and go to bed really early and hope that gets my mind anywhere but where it is now, with the weight of bullshit responsibility.
But don´t ask me not to smoke today or I´ll smack your ass down.
"12 Thanatos" by rent-a-moose from Flickr.