Saturday, August 23, 2008

Heated Quest for Home

I hate fighting.

It makes me feel like an asshole. Whoever said fighting was good for a relationship? Horseshit. Some things are best left un-communicated, for example "why the fuck am I the only one to ever do a goddamn thing around here?" while chucking an empty chocolate box that has been there since, yeah, Christmas onto the floor in disgust. See? I´m following the rule of using "I" instead of "you" in the explanation of my feelings (i.e. accusations). Isn´t that one of the golden rules in marriage counseling? I´m trying, people.

So I bitch about an empty chocolate box (one among many useless items that should have been tossed away months ago that still linger around my house, because, you know, if I throw anything out that means I actually care and still have some dignity left in regard to my current place of habitation). But what I meant to say was "why the fuck am I the only one who has spent the last two years looking for a new house for us without so much as a "meh" from you?" (a horribly unfair and inaccurate statement, just for the record). That kicker has come out way too many times lately and the chocolate box incident was added in to cure the boredom of endlessly repetitive "dialogue" regarding the house quest. It was added in for variety.

It´s hard to feel at home here. Damn hard. This isn´t my country. This isn´t my culture. My home is a 24 hour and $2000 journey away from here, in a country where $2000 means a hell of a lot more than it does in the U.S. The house is fucking symbolic. Yeah, I know it´s the worst possible time in history to buy a house here, or nearly anywhere. I don´t want to buy a house; that illusion was done away with ages ago. And it has, of late, become the last thing that I want, which I´m now recognizing is a problem of it´s own. But if I don´t find a place that feels like home soon....I´m gonna....fuck...no... I´m not gonna do a damn thing. I´m just gonna really start wondering what I´m doing here and why the hell I left my country, and my feeling of home. It´s been 3 years since we moved back to Spain. I don´t want to go back to America and I don´t want to want to go back. I want to find home, if it exists for us. Preferably here. But I haven´t yet.



And I don´t want to fight about it anymore. And I´m sorry about the chocolate box.

-Bluestreak, bitch.

"Cristina´s World" by Andrew Wyeth


8 comments:

RTL said...

Where do find such great pictures for your metaphors.

A chocolate box since X-mas? You can take a girl out of an AZ trailer but you cant take the AZ trailor out of the girl. Baby.

Poor Mr. Bluestreak.

Bluestreak said...

RTL - i know, I said I was an asshole, don´t rub it in. I´ve recognized my redneckery at this point.

Bluestreak said...

see?: http://mybluestreak.blogspot.com/2008/07/i-knew-it-im-redneck.html

Captain Steve said...

House searching sucks! Oh, people say it's fun, but really, it's a lot of money and then you have to spend more money fixing it the way you like it and you never actually get it perfect or if you do then it's not exactly what you imagined it would look like and blah. Funny thing was I was just talking to my dad about how come people can't just fight anymore. Hilarious.

Bluestreak said...

captain steve - I can´t even look at another house. It makes me want to throw up. So I´ve actually officially given up. That´s why I finally threw the fucking chocolate box away, cause I decided, yeah, I have to live here.

miss hell said...

i'm gonna help you find home lady...

Bluestreak said...

misshell - get back here.

aoc gold said...
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